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FeedSome scary 2010 Bills predictions
Time for my 2010 predictions on how the Buffalo Bills season will play out. I'm not going to bother with minor details like wins and losses. Boooring!
I mean, I'm sure I could do it with about as much accuracy as ESPN's oracles, Chris Mortensen and Adam Schefter, the only difference is Spree refuses to waste the cash and provide a Winnebago for what amounts to pure gimmickry. Blast them and their standards, integrity and "reasonable" operational expenses!
Any annoying blowhard can have a blog nowadays—I'm living proof—and they're all embarrassing themselves and insulting fans by forecasting their teams' records and playoff chances. Besides, I'm as optimistic about the Bills' upcoming season as the Chernobyl "liquidation" crews were while en route to that gig. It's too darn depressing to contemplate, let alone post on the subject.
So I'm going to make some fun, off-the-cuff predictions, (Still reading? Wow, you're a real trooper):
• Trent Edwards, Ryan Fitzpatrick, and Brian Brohm will each get a start under center before December 1. To decide who will get the call and when, Buddy Nix will set up a Wheel of Misfortune with the following banners: "Ineffectiveness," "Concussion," "Broken Thumb," "Can't Connect With Lee Evans," Blindsided By Defensive End," "Didn't Learn Playbook" (Billie Joe Hobert, anyone?), and "Demoted to Practice Squad."
• Evans will slump to his lowest career totals but collect the most money he has since entering the league. He's getting paid handsomely, but shame on him and his agent if they let the Bills con them into an incentive-laden contract. By season's end, things will have gotten so disastrous that Evans, yearning to even fantasize about appearing in an NFL playoff game before he's thirty-five, will be thinking about cutting the cord. The Bills will eventually deal him for a sixth-round pick in 2015.
• That's OK, since Stevie Johnson, James Hardy, Chad Jackson, Namaan Roosevelt, Felton Huggins, Marcus Easley, and Roscoe Parrish have all stepped up their play to fill the ... Ha! I actually had you going there, didn't I?
• Marshawn Lynch continues to puzzle when he tests positive for illicit substances, and then, thinking it's positive to test "positive," celebrates with some blunts and booze. Lynch will be the last to discover he's out of the NFL for good for his latest antics, but will land on his feet, cutting a deal with Sony to develop and be the inspiration for Grand Theft Auto: Southtowns.
• This will all happen, ironically enough, while Lynch is in the midst of the most productive season in his truncated career. That gives first-round pick C. J. Spiller a shot at starting, but he disappoints and the job is turned over to Fred Jackson, who emerges as the Bills' best back ... for a third consecutive season. He'll start next September as third on the depth chart behind Spiller and the running back Buffalo takes with their first-round pick in the 2011 draft.
• Toronto plays host to the Two Teams Going Nowhere Bowl November 7 as the Chicago Bears visit the Bills at Rogers Centre. Our wonderful Canadian hosts sweeten the deal for ticket-buyers, giving away free Tim Hortons coffees, an ingenious, double-fisted marketing plan that builds goodwill and serves to keep fans awake through the third quarter. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh's Ben Roethlisberger bemoans the fact his Steelers can't play the Bills in Toronto because he's "heard great things" about the Hooters in Mississauga.
• After the Bears defeat Buffalo, 12–3, the Bills' business partners in Toronto immediately begin looking for ways to get out of the last two years of the deal. When the NFL informs them of the date for the 2011 Bills game, Rogers SportsNet balks when they discover they can fill the place for $250 a head by projecting that night's Leafs game on the big screen in centerfield.
• Aaron Maybin is unable to keep Reggie Torbor, Andra Davis, or Keith Ellison off the field and plays about twenty downs through Week 12. Coaches decide that since defensive end and linebacker weren't a good fit for him, they'll bench Donte Whitner and start Maybin at safety.
• After skidding to an 0-11 start, the Cleveland Browns eagerly anticipate their annual victory ride to Orchard Park on December 12. After Parrish fair-catches a punt at his own twenty with twenty-five seconds left, the Bills decide to down the ball and force overtime with the score deadlocked 3–3. But Brohm suddenly fumbles the snap and the triumphant Browns scoop it up, rumbling into the end zone for the 9-3 win in front of 76,000 empty seats.
• After the Bills' finale, a 30–0 loss to the Jets, coach Chan Gailey takes a page from that Jet Blue Flight attendant by snatching the referee's mic, berating his players and sprinting toward the exits of the new Meadowlands. "It's been a good eleven months," he shouts over the PA before he disappears back into the NCAAA coaching ranks.
Ready for the season now, folks? This oughta be fun ...
