Vanity Wars: Shoe IssuesAlso read: "Vanity Wars: Extension Heaven By “Ambrose” The second thing people notice about you is your shoes. Nothing can destroy the look you have carefully composed for yourself as much as a scuffed, unpolished pair of cheap-looking shoes, and yet, shoes are a problem for a lot of men. Let me be clear here: we are talking about big boy shoes. Of course you have many different pairs of sneakers: sneakers for running, and tennis, and that cool pair of Chuck Taylor high tops, and a pair for actually shooting hoops, even though you haven’t so much as shot a round of H.O.R.S.E. since Memorial Day five years ago. We all have plenty of sneakers, and probably a pair or two of cleats that we keep around just in case a baseball game or a soccer match breaks out. Shoes for playing are not a problem for any of us, except to the extent that our shoe wardrobes make it seem that this is all we do. Let’s start with a very basic rule: No sandals. You may wear sandals only if: (1) you are a monk; or (2) you are a whitewater rafting guide and you are actually whitewater rafting; or (3) you are Jesus. No other exceptions exist. We don’t want to hear “What about in my own back yard?” No, not in your own back yard. Suppose you have to unexpectedly go into your front yard, Mr. Hippie? What if unexpected guests come over? No sandals. No flip-flops, no Tevas, no soccer sandals, no dressy leather—none. No sandals. We don’t want to see your callused feet. We don’t want to know that you have a pedicure. We especially don’t want to know that you had a pedicure, actually. There are quite a number of acceptable casual looks that you can go for; indeed, part of the Shoe Problem for men is that there are too many casual looks. There is no need for any man to get all Ten Commandments and start exposing his toenails here in the twenty-first century. I hope that we are all now clear on this. Let us now talk about shoes that you can wear to work. For some reason a lot of men believe that loafers are acceptable work shoes. What this says to me is that we are not listening: why would we attire ourselves for toil in anything that implies that we are not entirely focused on breadwinning? We wear work clothes to show that we are working. We do not come to the office in loungewear.You would no more come to the office in silk pajamas and a velvet smoking jacket than you would in a gorilla costume. Loafers are for loafing—they are weekend shoes. You want to be careful about color, too. Since a lot of us still have trouble remembering the rule about mixing stripes and plaids (the rule is: don’t—just as a reminder), this can present a challenge. Years ago a friend told me that the rule was “No brown liquor before six p.m.; no brown shoes after.” This is a useful way to keep track, since it involves drinking, but it doesn’t inform us about what we can wear brown shoes with. There are many who will advocate for brown shoes with a blue or even gray suit, and it is true that this is a look that can be carried off with style and panache, but it is also a look that requires style and panache in the first place. Black goes with everything. Why complicate your life? “Ambrose” cannot walk on water, but if he could, he’d have the proper footwear. SUBSCRIBE NOW Back to the Table of Contents Back to Top