On a clear day
By the Guy on the 13th Floor
 |
|
Illustration by J.P. Thimot.
|
New improved multiple listings
The City of Niagara Falls has been receiving complaints that city workers are not complying with their residency requirements—a condition of their employment. It makes you wonder if the Seneca Niagara Casino might be part of the problem. Let’s be honest. If living next to a casino was a desirable characteristic, the proximity to a casino would be cited on the multiple listing. Beautiful four bedroom, two and a half bath Dutch Colonial close to parks and desirable school district, and only two blocks away from the casino. Maybe the City of Niagara Falls should establish a DMZ between the gambling establishment and those trying to raise families.
Secretaries
Speaking of the military, the Secretary of the Army was front-page news for a while for the deplorable conditions of the Walter Reed Medical Center. Ultimately the sub-standard housing conditions at the Walter Reed Medical Center cost him his job. This prompts the question of what would happen if all secretaries of various departments of the federal government were held to the same standard. If the Secretary of the Army can be fired for sub-standard housing at Walter Reed, can the Secretary of HUD be fired for the sub-standard housing conditions on the East and West Side of Buffalo?
Bend it like Briere
David Beckham is playing soccer on this side of the pond and the LA Galaxy held try-outs where prospective players paid for the privilege to strut their stuff on the pitch for a chance to play with Beckham. The Sabres are discussing trying a similar program to find a diamond among the rough hotbed of hockey that is Western New York. The downside is that the proposed job description requires potential players to carry the puck across the ice with their heads down to draw potentially career-ending hits from our star players. The prerequisites are premium health insurance and a rock-hard skull.
Fresh faces
The local chairmen of the two major political parties are scouring the ranks for fresh faces to run for the fall elections. For many, public office doesn’t hold the same appeal as it once did—not with all of those prying reporters and the constant need to raise money to be competitive. So in an effort to help out our local chairmen, the Guy on the 13th Floor has written this open letter to a major manufacturer of skin care products:
Elizabeth Arden
KAO Brands Company
Red Door, OH 45214
Dear Sir or Madam:
We in Western New York are having a difficult time attracting new faces to run in our local elections. My wife has regularly used your products, particularly the facial exfoliation line, for many years with very positive results. So I have a favor to ask.
We were wondering if you could formulate a new and specific product that could freshen and rejuvenate the tough, battle-scarred mugs of our candidates for public office. And, if possible, could you please manufacture both a Republican and Democratic version? If you could please notify us when you have completed this magical product, all of us in Western New York would be most grateful.
Thanking you in advance,
The Guy on the 13th Floor
New faces
Short of Elizabeth Arden developing a miraculous salve, it seems that time might still be the best healer. Barbara Miller Williams, former Ellicott District Councilmember, was chosen to fill George Holt’s former seat in the Erie County Legislature. Nothing like a few years away from public service to straighten the back, broaden the shoulders, and strengthen the spirit.
If Mike Battle calls, run!
Michael Battle, formerly the top federal prosecutor in Buffalo and now in private practice, gave several U.S. attorneys an unusual parting gift before he left his position at the U.S. Department of Justice: their pink slips. (The fact that many of these prosecutors brought charges against elected Republicans had nothing to do with their dismissal.) Just in case—if the phone rings and caller ID shows Michael Battle is calling, don’t answer. It might be a trick.
Hold my pocket protector, please
The crown jewel of Buffalo public high schools, City Honors, made the papers again, but this time there were no national awards to proudly display, just a melee involving the police. An unidentified City Honors student was having trouble with a fellow classmate. Not feeling that he could defeat his foe mano a mano, he popped the door to allow his boys to gain access and do the dirty work. What kind of high school student has henchmen on call to carry out his bidding? It makes us wonder how long will it be before his stated goal in life becomes world domination and his occupation evil genius. We can just picture him with a shaved head, rubbing his hands as he practices his evil laugh. Yikes.
Banning the N-word
First, New York City banned trans-fat and the City of Buffalo followed suit. Now New York City is banning the N-word—so it is only a matter of time before the City of Buffalo does the same. What will young men spray paint on the walls of vacant buildings? What will the music booming out of all of those cars with tinted windows sound like without any N-bombs? Why don’t we ban it and see?
Do as I say, not as I do
The Town of Cheektowaga has revealed that while the rest of the town participates in recycling, the Town Hall and other town buildings don’t. (Apparently, the thought of humping all those blue bins discouraged the town employees. Memo to crabapple central: lead by example. Separate the paper from the plastic and cans if you expect the rest of the town to do the same.
Spike’s pitch
The glasses, the goatee, and the baseball cap. They are essential to Spike Lee’s image, and Buffalo-based New Era caps are his lid of choice. So it was with shock that we learned that New Era initially turned down an offer to have Lee’s company make a commercial. How typically Buffalo, we thought. New Era eventually had a change of heart and now Spike has license to make his celluloid magic happen for a local success story.
The winner gets it wrong
A new sit-com supposedly based in Buffalo in the nineties, The Winner, is complete with references to Western New York culture of the time. But the street scenes don’t ring true and neither does the episode where the main character goes to rent a “dive” for $550 per month. Most people I know had monthly mortgage payments far less than $550 in the early nineties. That amount of scratch would have secured some nice digs back in the day. Another note to the writers: work on the stock sets.
“I am excited about Elizabeth Arden developing a new skin care product for our local pols,” the Guy on the 13th Floor comments. “Few individuals have the stomach to be an elected official. A rejuvenating cream might be the answer to the problem of fresh faces in the political process.”
Editor’s note: In the April column, the Guy failed to report city finance chief’ Janet Penksa’s full credentials. As reported in the Buffalo News, Penksa is a former UB administrator who sat on Erie County’s control board and served as a budget negotiator in the Assembly. As a reminder, this is a political satire/humor column; for facts or serious analysis, readers should look elsewhere.
Back to the Table of Contents
Back to Top