Cheap wine for cheap times
By Mark Criden
 |
|
Illustration by J.P. Thimot.
|
Grant sports his usual adorable but anxious expression, the kind he wore throughout Music and Lyrics, and other even crummier films. Films that didn’t make money, films that left him overextended, and films that led him to owe two hundred large to my boss, Jason “Hammer” Malvecki, the usury king of Rodeo Drive. As most of America knows, prime time’s now Hammer Time on the new Fox reality show, Celebrity Loan Sharking.
When I first pitched CLS (“K-Fed gets kneecapped!”), no one was sure this chronicle of a man, his vigorish, and a raft of down-on-their-luck b-listers would capture America’s fancy. But here we are: Hugh Grant squirming, me practicing my swing, and cameras rolling. Next week, Hammer promises, we send Lindsay Lohan back to rehab.
As Howard slips on brass knuckles, Grant sees the crew wheeling off his wine collection. “Cripes! My grand cru Burgundies, my first growth Bordeaux … You’re monsters!”
This is not quite fair, but I’ve got the bat so I keep quiet. The audience knows that I may be a killer, but I’m not a cold-blooded killer: I keep my Beretta, in fact, right next to my heart. And during round one, I get to teach the welsher of the week a lesson in frugal living. Last week, Christie Brinkley learned about Goodwill thrift shops; this week’s deadbeat is about to be schooled on bargain wines. A screen appears next to Grant, and Howard unzips a duffel and hands me the first bottle.
“Even though the dollar’s been garroted, Euro wines today, below the ‘trophy’ level, continue to be the world’s greatest wine values, and France is home to most of them.” Here, Howard snorts, though his anti-French stance has been modulated since Sarkozy’s election.
“This 2005 Domaine La Garrigue Côtes du Rhône Cuvée Romaine from the Southern Rhône valley in France is an amazing steal; at $15 it stands up to bottles three to four times the price. Check out the spicy, black cherry aroma, the complexity and depth, the long finish.” (I give Grant a sip, and he sees it’s awesome stuff.) “If $15 is too high, there’s an even cheaper gem from the south of France, the 2006 les Heretiques, that’s pure deliciousness. For $8 and change, you get a creamy luscious mouthful, maybe not complex, but beautiful in its simpleton way.”
“Like Cliff Robertson in Charly,” Howard suggests.
“On to round two. Let’s say you want a lively, penetrating white, but top-flight Chablis ain’t in the budget. You’d be hard pressed to beat the fabulous 2006 Pépière Muscadet de Sèvre et Maine Sur Lie, from France’s Loire Valley, a lively, brilliant old-vine, hand-harvested wine, boasting a lemony, dry, finish. An astounding value at $11, this is delicious, happy-making stuff and would be a great complement to shellfish.”
“If he could afford shellfish,” Howard says.
“Sometimes,” Grant stammers, watching his Montrachet wheeled away, “I want a richer white.“
“For great value in Chardonnay, you can’t beat Jean-Paul Brun’s velvety 2006 Terres Dorees Beaujolais Blanc, a White Burgundy for only $13. Full of finesse, and brimming with richly concentrated, honeyed fruit, this is one seductive bottle of juice.” I cue Howard; the next wine’s his favorite.
“Jean-Paul also makes the greatest Red Burgundy bargain on the planet, the 2006 Domaine des Terres Dorées Beaujolais Vieilles Vignes l’Ancien, dark and juicy and only $14. The quality, complexity, and pure brilliance of this wine astound me. This is genius wine and Jean-Paul Brun is my idol,” he beams.
Grant’s now reeling, and we keep him off balance. “Not all of the world’s greatest wine bargains are French. America produces a few, though, with the dollar circling the bowl, our producers have been incredibly shortsighted in not adjusting their prices downward to gain market share. Instead they’ve mostly stupidly raised their prices to match the imports, sacrificing long-term gains for short-term profits.”
“Hammer’s had to whack some of them,” Howard adds. “Just on principle. Still, there are some excellent American buys. It’s hard to beat, for instance, Rosenblum Cellars Vintners Cuvée XXIX Zinfandel, a beautiful burger wine, just loaded with fruit, that will set you back all of $10. For a couple of bucks more, hunt down Edmunds St. John’s fabulous Syrah ‘The Shadow’ 2002, an astonishingly complex bottle for $12. Plush and velvety, possessed of a gentle smoky-plumpness, it’s a terrific example for those who assume California wine is invariably overpriced and overmanipulated. As for whites…”
“Usually no better than mouthwash,” Grant grunts, and Howard smacks him.
“Usually, true, but you can’t go wrong with California’s Bonny Doon vineyard. For only $8, their 2006 Big House White is a friendly, crisp, dry, and flavorful food wine made from a kitchen sink blend of grapes. Even better, their 2005 Pacific Rim Dry Riesling ($10), happily marries Washington state and German juice into a crackling, sharply focused white, one of the most consistently appealing and modestly priced Rieslings around.”
The producer taps his wrist and I pick up the pace. “We’re low on time, but I need to tell you that these days, Spain consistently offers great values. Try perennial favorites like Las Rocas 2005 Garnacha ($9), an old-vine full-tilt beauty with a supple texture and no hard edges. Castano makes two value-priced gems. Their 2004 Hecula Monastrell, is deep and rich, like drinking chocolate-covered berries, a lot of wine for $10, and their crowd-pleasing 2005 Yecla Monastrell ($7) is even more of an insane value.”
The warehouse crew now slides Grant to a dolly and wheels him towards the truck. As we head for a commercial, it’s time for the big finish. “Hugh, before you go, I’m going to let you in on the best value in white wine in the world today. Gruener Veltliner is Austria’s workhorse grape and the 2006 Weingut H.U.M. Hofer Gruener Veltliner Trocken is a stupefying bargain at $11 for a full liter. Pineapply, peachy, slightly exotic and floral-fruity, crisp and racy tasting, nervy at the core, with a considerable finish, this wine has remarkable polish. Its bottle cap closure shows this wine was meant to be sold locally and drunk quickly, but after some convincing, the winemakers exported it to the USA.”
I turn to the camera as the truck pulls away, the drone of its transmission drowning out Hugh Grant’s cries. Howard removes his brass knuckles. “Yeah,” he chortles, “It took some convincing.”
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
Mark Criden (mcriden@yahoo.com) is a nonprofit executive and the former chair of the Buffalo Branch of the International Wine & Food Society.
Back to the Table of Contents
Back to Top